My Lady, I Saw The Tears of Regret in The Souls of Those Who Stood
by seriousish
Summary: ...on the Banks of the River Jordan, Waiting for Absalom to Win Them in a Spirited Game of Pokemon. Tim and Kon have a debate over which of their mentors gets more action. It is forgotten when Batman and Superman turn out to be flaming homosexuals. This fic is posted on a sporking comm. The end.


It was a dreary day at Titan Tower. The elder Titans were all doing stuff, the younger Titans were all staying home with interesting stuff, and even Kory wasn't there to sunbathe. Nothing to do except spend the day on monitor duty, because it 'built character'. At least Wally was honest about how he was only making Bart do it because he had had to suffer through the same thing under Dick's heterosexual yoke (and because Bart had broken Linda's aunt's vase).

So there was nothing to do but sit around and wait for someone to start trouble. Tim was writing out on a notepad a proposal for villains and heroes to schedule their activities so they could actually have normal lives between robberies and rescues and really, really desperate booty calls.

"Let me tell you how this works," Kon said. "Maxima's making trouble, just to get a shot at some super-juice."

"I think I'll vomit," Tim said.

"No, like pimp juice," Bart said, investing most of his anti-boredom energy in seeing how fast he could spin his chair.

"Exactly. So everyone's evacuated, Maxima's gagging for it, Superman's there… people come back, place busted up, Maxima gone… super-fight, or super-fu—"

"Superman's married!" Tim objected. "He wouldn't give Maxima the time of day. Batman? Swinging bachelor. Any female villain in Gotham City is there because she wants to see him take a Bat-condom from the utility belt. That's why he's the mack-daddy of all superheroes."

"Yeah, the Joker wants Bat-love too. No accounting for taste. But while Batman is wrestling with teenagers in tights—"

"Not cool, dude."

"Superman goes to bed with Pulitzer-prize-winning trim every night."

"Batman has that beat. Monday, Vicki Vale; Tuesday, Selina; Wednesday, Talia…"

"The clingy stalker. Real catch. Have you heard of Lana Lang? Ten years and she still wants to ride that like she stole it. _That's_ mojo."

Tim groaned at his own involvement in this stupid discussion. "But she won't, because Superman is married, unlike Han Solo, Doctor Who, Batman, and other real mack daddies."

"Yeah, but sooner or later, Lana, Maxima, and all the rest are going to realize that if they can't have the old bull, why not try the young calf?" Kon held up his hand. "Up-top, Bart."

Bart gave Kon five. "Why am I giving you five?"

"Because I'm hypothetically getting laid."

Tim smirked. "Cassie would make you an Amazon. And not the honorary kind."

"Amazons are all about free love, dude! Didn't you read Wonder Woman's book? There was a whole chapter about how she pulled a one-woman train on the Birds of Prey."

"Please. Black Canary is hetero to the bone."

"I made a pass at Canary and she totally lezzed on it."

"Diana's straight."

"Name one boyfriend she's had."

"Name one girlfriend!"

Kon slapped the console. "You know what? We're calling Superman. He never lies. We're gonna find out which team Diana plays for, who's got more notches on their super-bedpost, and how they get ships inside those little bottles."

Tim and Bart looked at him.

"I'm curious."

"Superman said never to call him while he was at the Fortress of Solitude." Bart tapped his chin. "Is that why he calls it the Fortress of Solitude?"

"Tim, you disobey Batman, he threatens to fire you, then gives you a spanking. I disobey Superman, I have to take Krypto for a walk, upping both my bad boy cred and my cute dog quotient. I think this clearly ends in me making motorboat noises in Power Girl's fun-bags."

"I think she's more of a cat person."

"Hailing frequencies open," Bart said, and the viewscreen switched to a view of the Fortress's interior.

Tim and Kon froze solid.

"Bart, cut the feed. Now," Tim ordered.

"You want to be able to turn it _off_?"

"Yes, Bart, when you build an unsolicited hotline to Superman's headquarter, an off-switch is nice."

"Shh! Someone's coming!"

Batman wandered on camera dressed in a bathrobe, and began lifting weights. "Clarkie, that pie from your mom would just not stop tempting me. I ate half of it and I feel like such a goshdarn pig. I wish I had your physiology. Eat cheesecake all day, then get uber-buff from the sun."

"Physiology nothing, I'd kill for your fashion sense. Whenever there's a big to-do, your people look so darling while Kara wears a slutty Halloween costume version of my family's crest and Kon wears a T-shirt and jeans. Not that I have much room to talk, me with my underwear on the outside."

"Oh, shut up! Four Robins and they're still trying to make that Christmas-y red and green abomination work. I love Dick like a son, but Ralph Lauren he is not!"

"Do they know we're watching?" Tim asked.

"If they do, they're very nonchalant about it." Bart answered.

Clark walked onto camera, also wearing a dressing gown. He was reading the newspaper. "Ooh, Forever Young is on, I haven't seen that in forever! Come on, Brucie, it's the perfect movie to finish off Diana's spinach dip to!"

Bruce stopped pumping iron. "I promised Commissioner Gordon I would recapture Killer Croc tonight."

"Oh, like he isn't going to escape the very next day. But when is TNT going to show Forever Young again? Never, that's when!"

Bruce sighed. "Fine, you've tempted me over to the dark side. I'll tell Dick to do it, even though you know I'll have to tell him how proud I am of him just so we won't hate each other. I swear, he is so co-dependent."

"Shh! The movie's coming on! I want to savor non-crazy Mel while it lasts."

"Promise to hold my hand if I cry?"

"You know it."

The viewscreen finally went black.

"I detonated the reactor core," Tim said. "It was the only way to be sure."

"What was seen can never be unseen," Bart intoned.

Kon's eyes turned red and shot laser beams. "_I discovered I have heatvision oh god!_

The moral of the story: Check regularly for heatvision if you don't want to find out at an inopportune time.

No animals were harmed in the making of this fic, but several bald eagles died painfully. Kon felt really bad about it, though.


End file.
